I’ve not been well in a while. I can scarcely breathe to walk across the room and it seems like every day I have a brand new symptom. I’ve had lots of tests and nothing uncovers the problem. I’ve been hauled off to hospital in an ambulance countless times.

A couple of nights ago the doctor came up to the house and suggested we make an initial contact with a palliative care centre.

At the same time he looked deep into my eyes and asked me if I thought I was going to die.

“Yes.”

This doesn’t concern me because I feel like I’ve had a good and interesting life and been a lot of interesting places.

There have been a lot of people I have never stopped loving, my Mother, my daughter, my wife, my grandkids, five or six genuine human beings, Fyodor Dostoevsky and Richie McCaw.

I’ve owned thirty or forty splendid Volkswagens and three or four magnificent Rovers built when England could build cars. I’ve gone 130mph+ down the motorway in a Porsche and I’ve laughed like hell when I was a passenger in a mate’s Dodge Super Bee going at about the same speed. I trusted him implicitly. He was a shy sort of guy and never got laid much. He made it up in speed. Speed was his lover.

I’ve had some really beautiful doggies. They were all warm, affectionate and a whole lot of fun. They knew when to lick me and when not to lick me.

I’ve helped build a spectacular business (Phantom Billstickers) and I’ve worked hard for the Arts in New Zealand. I’ve also helped get some of our best bands ‘off the ground’. I booked New Zealand’s finest venue, the Gladstone Hotel in Christchurch. I also booked the Hillsborough in Christchurch, probably the second best.

I gave hugely of myself. Because I was a ‘promotor’ I ended up hated by a large number of bands and second-rate people.

Many people in bands cannot accept the fact that they have little appeal, they would rather blame the promotor or the radio station advertisements, or that poster run….whatever it is, it’s not them.

People are idiots. There are some humble people in bands, but not many.

I knew Graham Brazier and Dave McCartney very well. I laughed with them.

They had huge talents.

I had trouble with my father but I am thankful for his quiet manner and his intelligence. He said I looked like a little moron, but I think that helped me rather than hindered me.  Something gave me the burning ambition I possess. His honesty was passed on to me. He lost many opportunities in life because he withheld his intelligence, he was shy, but you could not fault his manners.

In a lifetime of meeting many crooks, my father was not one.

I collected stamps. I am an absurdly good chess player. The best in Paparua Prison in my time.

So, you see, I’ve played with knights and thieves.

I was either wheeling around oxyacetylene cutting gear or getting stoned and reading Jean Genet.

I was hurt and abandoned from a very early age. I had to build my relationship with human warmth as I grew up. I was terrified for the first 50 years of my life.

I’ve been ripped off by some terrible scoundrels because they wanted what I have got. More fool to them, what I have is not transferrable.

I can free-associate at will.

I’ve been to jail and I’ve seen how people behave when they are allowed to.

I’ve tossed Molotov Cocktails at brick walls. Out of jail I owned an AK47. I slept beside it with the safety catch off. You cannot buy insurance like that.

I got off the junk.

The ACC paid me $10,000 for being raped in jail. In a pig’s eye.

When I say, “I’m gonna die,” to my wife she says, “Not today.”

A friend of mine overdosed at a flat down Armagh Street. At the time he was going out with the prime minister’s daughter. She was frantically trying to get a fish tank hose down his throat to help him breathe. Eventually he came round and wanted another shot. I had done a chemist burglary the night before. The guy I did it with overdosed and died at Warner’s Hotel. The police picked me up to identify the body. They were laughing because they thought it was me who died. They were in a very light mood.

I’m not going to die today. I’m here. Life is good. I’ve seen some stuff. I’ve been in the middle of the real experience. I kiss you.

“Not today.”